Reflections......

Have you ever gotten dressed, looked in the mirror and thought, "I don't look half bad"?  Then later you see a reflection of yourself in a store window or mirror and can't believe how you look??  You wonder what was wrong with your mirror at home that you thought you looked ok??  Even worse is when you go out and think, "Man, I look skinny and Hottt!!", then you later see a picture of yourself and wonder who let you out of the house with that outfit on and how on earth did you think you looked even half way decent??  Ughhhhh!!  So frustrating!

Yesterday, my family and I went to the outdoor mall so my daughter could get some last minute things before she goes off to college.  While she was shopping and my husband and one of my sons were looking in a store, I sat down on a bench outside so my youngest could run around and get out some energy.  Everything was fine........until I looked up in the window in front of us and saw my reflection. 
Tears filled my eyes and I just wanted to run and hide.  I was so embarrassed.

"My kids must be soooo ashamed to have to walk with me, my husband must be so embarrassed to have me as a wife."  These are all the thoughts running through my head.  Although I know my kids don't judge me, or anyone else for that matter, and my husband loves me no matter what, I still had all these feelings. 

And yet, we went to dinner after and did I order anything healthy??  No, I drowned my self pitty in a BBQ, Bacon hamburger with fries.  Really, Why can't I figure this out??  Am I the only one that drowns my sorrows in food??  This is part of the reason I am in the awful place I am right now!! 

What will I miss??

As I was driving home today, I kept thinking to myself...."What am I going to miss when I change my lifestyle to eating clean and staying fit?"

Then I thought......."What am I not going to miss?"

So here it is!!

What I will miss:
*Amalfitano Bakery-Choc Eclairs, Tomato Pie,
*Chick Fil A
*Ice Cream
*Candy
*Sugar
*Laziness of what's for dinner tonight??  Eat out!!

What I won't miss:
*Crying every time I get dressed because nothing fits
*Hating the way I look in everything I put on.
*Breathing heavy just from walking
*Being tired all the time
*The self doubt
*Being embarrassed when naked in front of my husband
*My stress level shooting through the roof every time I run into an old friend
*Hiding food from my husband that I don't want him to know I am eating
*Telling my kids they can't eat what I am eating
*My husband rolling his eyes because I tell him I am starting another program or diet!!  (Can't blame him)

What am I looking forward to??
*Being naked in front of my husband (and everything that comes with that) hehehe
*Finally going shopping for clothes under size 18
*Not breathing heavy or feeling out of breath so easy!!
*NOT BEING A HYPOCRITE TO MY CLIENTS!!  (it will now be do as I say and do)
*Walking around in my bathing suit and not feel self conscious
*Being naked in front of my husband....oh yeah, I already said that.  lol

So I you can see that the "what I will miss" list is shorter then the "what I won't miss" and the "What I am looking forward to" list.

Guess I just needed to write it out!!

Sabotage!!

Yes Sabotage,  it is what I do to my self every time I decide I am done being unhealthy and ready to start a new healthy life.  I don't think it is right to be reading the amazing magazine "Clean Eating" while eating chips and cheese??  Kind of like when I used to watch "The Biggest Loser" while eating a bowl of ice cream. 

I still don't understand why I do this to myself.  It is like I am afraid that I am going to miss the crap that I am no longer going to poison my body with.  I know how bad it is and I still think I am going to miss it.  I just wish there was a reset button on my head that reset my likes and dislikes.

Fish, I want soo badly to like fish.  But even the smell makes me gag.  Yet, I know the amazing benefits of fish and yet, can't manage to get it down.  Any suggestions on how to reprogram my brain to fish??

What I am not going to miss, is the discomfort I am feeling right now.  I am the heaviest I have ever been.  So scary that I have let myself get to this point.
I am tired, I am breathing heavier, I can't get comfortable when I lay down.  I feel like breathing gets even tougher when I lay down.  It sucks.  And I hate it.

I am looking forward to getting started on Aug 15, but I think I should start today !!!

My Coach, Trainer and Friend!

 Kim Strassmann

Here is a picture and Bio of my trainer, nutritionist, support and friend!!  She is amazing and knows her stuff.  She also knows what it is like to be a mom and a wife!!

I (Kim) have been teaching group fitness since 2008 and am very passionate about bringing health, nutrition and fitness to women of all ages! I have a BA from UC Santa Barbara (Major in Biology) and a Masters Degree in Science (Eastern Medicine). In 2008, I started teaching group exercise in San Diego, California and realized it is my true passion which brings me the greatest rewards. I am now an instructor at the world renowned Barton Creek Resort/Spa in Austin, TX and LifeTime Fitness. I teach formats that include: Spinning, BOSU, cardio kick boxing, yoga and Body Back. My certifications include: AFAA Group Exercise, Spinning by Mad Dogg Athletics, Kranking, YogaFit, TurboKick, Stroller Strides and Body Back. I am also certified by ISSA as a Specialist in Fitness Nutrition.  I was selected to be on the Mad Dogg Athletics Spinning Demo Team as well! I have also appeared in the following fitness DVDs and infomercials: Cheryl Burke's (Dancing with the Stars) Disco Abs, host model for Spinning/ Mad Dogg Athletics, Mama Wants her Body Back and The Shake Weight. I have a true passion for teaching group exercise and inspiring my clients to push themselves to new limits! I look forward to coaching you with Earn That Body!™ to reach your goals! If you have any questions, please contact me at: earnthatbody@gmail.com
Kim Strassmann-Eagle, L.Ac, MS

My Life: aka: My Toughest Journey!!

Animalise, She-ra, Butch, Tex, Animal, a man!!                                        
These are just a few of the names I have been called my entire life.  The worst part, some came from the mouths of family, and teachers.

By the 6th grade, I was 5'10" tall and weighed almost 150lbs.  

I have always played sports and been a big girl.  And no one ever let me forget that I was big.  They still don't.  

I have always thought I was over weight, fat, out of shape and just unattractive.  But I look back at pictures of myself, like when I was playing beach volleyball, and I wasn't as bad as I thought.  In fact, I wish I looked like that again.  But how I got there was unhealthy.  

For 5 years of my life, I spent trying to silence the critics,  and the weight demons in my own head.  I turned to laxatives.  Yes, laxatives.  I would eat all I wanted, then pop about 25 laxatives in my system and......you got it......Shit it all out!!  It was awful.  The cramping hurt so bad, my ass was always sore and I was always running to the bathroom.  It just sucked.  (well it actually blew out, but you know what I mean)

I don't know what changed, but I stopped.  Until I started to feel self conscious again, then I would go right back to them.   

They are in the back of my mind everyday, at every meal and at every bite.  But I know how damaging they are for my body.  And I am certainly not 21 anymore.  

Here I am, 39 years old, in the worst shape of my life, and the heaviest I have ever been.  

I am so ashamed and embarrassed of myself.  

I can't stand looking at myself in the mirror.  I don't want to go out in public in a swim suit and I surely don't want my husband to have to see me naked.  Yukkkk!!!  Sometimes I wonder why such an amazing and good looking man is with me??

So I will be 40 years old on May 31, 2012!!  And I want to be in the best shape of my life and the healthiest of my life.  And that is how I want to LIVE the rest of my life.  

So follow me in this Journey, help support me, and share with me your journey with life, health and fitness!!

Annalise Mattera Mulford