Anxiety!!

So today was a typical day....soccer with my son this morning, relaxing Saturday afternoon, trip to Trader Joe's, home for dinner, fun at the park with the family........and then cookies and milk for my husband and the boys!!  

So at Trader Joe's, I put the Joe Joe's Cookies in the cart while saying to myself......I can control myself, I know I shouldn't be eating these, I only have 2 weeks left of the get fit challenge, Sean and the boys will eat them!!

I prepare the boys plates with a few cookies, and their milk, sit them down and then I sit on the couch.  "I can do this, I can do this!!"  Yes, that is what I am saying to myself....and the whole time I am shifting back and forth in my seat, crossing and uncrossing my legs, now I am sweating.....no really, I am sweating!!  

Finally I have to get up and go in the other room!!  I felt like I was having an anxiety attack!!  I was so uncomfortable...it was awful.  I couldn't even enjoy some time with my family. 

I came into my office and just cried!!  I felt so out of control!!  And so confused as to why I feel that way!!  

Yesterday we had a baby shower at our Stroller Strides class.  So naturally there was a cake.  I was fine.  Then I walked over and saw the box, and there was a blob of frosting!!  I shouldn't, but I did!!  WHY??  I don't know.  Where is my control??  Why can't I just say no??\

Needless to say, I now know what it feels like to be an addict!!  I want nothing more then to just stop and I can't!!  

It sucks!!!

Love and No Sugar,

Annalise

The Day in the Life of a Sugar Addict!!

Yes, a sugar addict!!  It has been 9 months since my last post.  And it was out of embarrassment that I haven't posted!!  

I did amazing on Earn that Body with the amazing Kim Straussman!!  And when it was over, I gained back 10 of my lost lbs!!  And I got depressed and gave up for a while!!

 I know how to eat right, I know how to exercise...I know that to be healthy and fit, it is.....80% Food, 10% Exercise and 10% genetics.....And yet I still manage to do great, give up, give in and make excuses!!

 I have said it in the past, that I am a sugar addict, but I always thought that was an excuse!!!  Well, I have paid so much attention to when I struggle and when I fail and I now know it is not an excuse.....I am a True Sugar Addict!!  And I don't believe anyone that says there is no such thing!

The more I read about it, the more I read about how it is just as addictive as cocaine......only more readily available and LEGAL!!  

I thought I would start documenting my daily struggles of being a sugar addict!!  And I would love for you to add comments of your struggles.  I know I am not the only one!!  But one of the few to admit it!!  

I am not writing for pity, or to be consoled, I am just letting you know the struggles of everyday for me!!  Feel free to read, comment, admit.... 

Lots of Love and No Sugar,

Annalise

 

Does that answer your quesiton Coach?

My first week was a huge success!!  

I am down 4.6 lbs my first week!! 

I feel soo much better!! 

I have not had a 5 hour shot in weeks.  I go to bed  at a decent hour, and wake up really early.  And still feel like I have a ton of energy!!  Not only that, I don't feel hungry, but I also don't feel FULL!!  You know that feeling, when you are so full you wish you could make yourself throw up??  I don't miss that feeling at all.  

In Fact:  I am learning to enjoy the feeling of wanting to throw up after a kick ass workout!!  I know, crazy, but it tells me I am working out hard!!

My second week is almost up...super anxious to see how I do.
For once in my life, I am not afraid of the scale.  Sometimes I even weigh myself at night just for shits and giggles.  It is awesome to weigh in at the end of the day and I am still lighter then I was when I started the program!



Coach Kim gave us an assignment this week................She wants us to tell her why we have chosen to do ETB. (Earn That Body)
This is such a tough question in so many ways!!  Mainly because it makes me really dig deep and show that I am vulnerable.  And as most people that know me know, I put up a super tough front!!  And it is so hard for me to show that I am vulnerable and weak when it comes to some things!!

So I guess if I am going to blog my journey, I should share this assignment!!

But I think Kim should have asked.........

~Why do you want to get strong?
~Why do you want to get healthy?
~Why do you want to live a longer life?
~Why do you want to be around to watch your children grow?
~Why do you want to run and play with your children?
~Why don't you want to sit on the sidelines?
~Why do you want to grow old with your husband?
~Why do you want to walk in a store and buy clothes off the rack?
~Why do you want to be comfortable in your clothes?
~Why do you want people to look at you and think, "Wow, she is fit and
    hot!"
~Why don't you like people saying, "Yes Sir", ughh... "I'm sorry, Mam!"
~Why do you want to look in the mirror and like what you see?
~Why do you want to be proud of yourself?
~Why do you want your children to be proud of you and that you are
   their Strong Mom?

Does that answer your question Kim??

Thanks Kim, I was in such an amazing place, moving forward!  Now I have to go back and rehash all the bullshit I have dealt with my entire life.
At 39, I thought I was able to look forward and not back!!
But I will earn my point for doing this assignment!!

Let's see..........the day I came out of my mother at 10lbs 1oz, my mom told everyone, "I (she) feel like I have been hit by a Mack truck!"...........Is that my fault?

STRIKE 1

Growing up, I was always the tallest and biggest kid in my class, Male or Female and would get teased everyday at school.  I learned to deal with that.  But when a family member told me I looked like a Man..............

STRIKE 2

Often, as I walk down the street or in a mall, I hear both men and women make comments as they pass...."Is that a guy or a girl?", "Is she on Steroids?", "Dude, did you see the size of that Chick?"............

STRIKE 3

I'M OUT!!!

 

Seems I have had the cards stacked against me from day one.

A lot of times, I would go along with it, make jokes about it and laugh it off!!  But I would get home and just cry.  Even at my lightest weight, I am a big girl!!  So what am I supposed to do about it.  

And shopping, again, anyone that knows me, knows I hate shopping for clothes!!  Why??  Because I always leave crying, upset, angry, mad, sad, disappointed, frustrated and so many other feelings.  Clothes have never fit me right.  So I just avoid it.  If I find something that fits, I buy it in every color!!

 

The Mirror!!  Really???  What's to like when I look in it?  I would get dressed to go somewhere, look in the mirror, and just start crying!!  I want to look in the mirror and smile, like what I see, and FEEL good about what I see!!

Enough about my sob, sad, pitiful life as a large person.......

I figure, if I am going to be big, I want to be ripped!!  Not just big, but strong!!  I want my husband to look at me and get excited with what he sees.  My kids to have the only mom running around with them at the park!!  I want the sales people at the clothing stores to run up to me and ask to help me find something and to style me, not think, "Nice try lady, better head down the mall to the "Big Girl" store!"

And most of all, I want to be proud of myself!! 

I want to look in the mirror and smile :)

Next time I am walking down the mall and I hear those comments, I want to flex my arms and say, "WELCOME TO THE GUN SHOW!"

 

So Kim, bring on more questions.......

I am learning that I can do whatever I put my mind to!!  That I am the only one that can make changes!!  I have never been in the Army, but I can still be all I can be!!  

And I want to be strong, fit, healthy, fun, happy, sexy, vulnerable and your best after picture in your program history!!

So bring it!!

Control........

Well, it has been a while since I blogged, so I should probably catch you up!!
On Monday, Aug 15th, I started the amazing Earn That Body program with Kim!!
Stats.....

 

There it is......My before pics!!  I know , scary!!  And to me, really sad and disappointing as well!!  The worst shape of my life!!  Ughhh, makes me want to cry every time I see the pictures!!

Rest of stats.....

Starting weight....240.9 lbs

Goal weight...........190 lbs

Chest....47"

Waist..44"

Hips...46

R Thigh..28 1/2

R Upper Arm..16"

R Calf..17 1/2

Neck..15 1/2

Ohhhhhhh, The Sad Truth!!

But since starting on Monday the 15th, I have not strayed from the program at all.  And I feel like I have sooo much more energy, I'm full all the time and I love my food.  I wonder every time I eat, why haven't I always eaten this way??

My husband must love all the new flavors and not the same old boring, fattening food I normally cook!!

And my workouts, I actually did a run workout, made it thru it, and I am afraid for Kim to find out, but ......I liked it!!! 

Today was, what I thought, was going to be the hardest day of my first week.  But it wasn't :) !!  It was easy....I just brought my cooler, filled with whole, clean food!!

I also brought a huge jug of water. (I love water, hence my nick name as a child was "Thirsty")

I didn't give the cake and cupcakes a thought.  I must admit, I did think about the yummy cookies my cousin makes!!  But quickly remembered what some of my ETB Sisters reminded me of this morning...."The taste only lasts a few seconds, but the guilt and the yuckkky feeling after lasts much longer!!    So it was easy to walk away.  

BUT THEN............................THE PINATA....................UGHHHHHH!!  

So this is how it went down..........

Brody is the first to get a whack at the brightly colored Clown Pinata!! And whack it he did!!  As the other kids abused this poor clown that was stuffed with tons of chocolate, caramel, peanut butter, hard candy, crispies, and all my other favorites...sorry, started day dreaming............

Brody and I went to sit with my cousin Anthony, who was in charge of the up, down pinata.  He reached into his secret stash and put a huge hand full of candy in Brody's brown bag!!!   Then when the poor clowns head was decapitated, there was candy everywhere.  And Brody was right in the thick if it to fill his brown bag to the top!! 

Brody had a few of his M&M's.  I was fine. 
But then we left, got in the car and were on our way to our next stop.........
Brody's brown bag is sitting in the center console of my car.  I looked down to my right, and there it is.......Sugar Satan!!  A whole bag of it!!  And I can smell all of SS's sweet aroma!!  (Sugar is my favorite, I used to eat a candy bar everyday!)  And this is the conversation that happened between the bag and me....

The Bag: C'mon Annalise, just open the bag

Me: No, I am doing so good!!

The Bag: No one will know

Me: Kim could be watching me right now, NO!!

The Bag: She is thousands of miles away in Texas

Me: She will know!!!

The Bag: Mmmmmmm, yummy Chocolate, Creamy caramel, crunchy nuts...You know you want some.

Me: I know I want some really bad!!

The Bag: Then just do it!!  

Me: No, I am strong, I can do this

The Bag: No you aren't, you are weak, that is what has gotten you into this situation in the first place!!

Me: You're right, me being weak, IS what got me into this situation in the first place!!  So NO THANK YOU!!  I am strong, worth a life of health and self confidence, so again, NO THANK YOU!!  And by the way, who cares if Kim knows.....I will know!!

And when we arrived at Lucas' school to pick him up, I took out two small bags of M&M's to let the boys eat after dinner as a treat, and had Brody give his brown bag of "Sugar Satan" to the teachers at Lucas' school.  

I was free, proud and felt like doing a flex session right there in Lucas' school.  I was so proud of myself.  I wanted to call someone to tell them, but no one I know could really understand the internal fight and torment I just survived.  

Changes are really happening!  And they feel sooo good!! 

Reflections......

Have you ever gotten dressed, looked in the mirror and thought, "I don't look half bad"?  Then later you see a reflection of yourself in a store window or mirror and can't believe how you look??  You wonder what was wrong with your mirror at home that you thought you looked ok??  Even worse is when you go out and think, "Man, I look skinny and Hottt!!", then you later see a picture of yourself and wonder who let you out of the house with that outfit on and how on earth did you think you looked even half way decent??  Ughhhhh!!  So frustrating!

Yesterday, my family and I went to the outdoor mall so my daughter could get some last minute things before she goes off to college.  While she was shopping and my husband and one of my sons were looking in a store, I sat down on a bench outside so my youngest could run around and get out some energy.  Everything was fine........until I looked up in the window in front of us and saw my reflection. 
Tears filled my eyes and I just wanted to run and hide.  I was so embarrassed.

"My kids must be soooo ashamed to have to walk with me, my husband must be so embarrassed to have me as a wife."  These are all the thoughts running through my head.  Although I know my kids don't judge me, or anyone else for that matter, and my husband loves me no matter what, I still had all these feelings. 

And yet, we went to dinner after and did I order anything healthy??  No, I drowned my self pitty in a BBQ, Bacon hamburger with fries.  Really, Why can't I figure this out??  Am I the only one that drowns my sorrows in food??  This is part of the reason I am in the awful place I am right now!! 

What will I miss??

As I was driving home today, I kept thinking to myself...."What am I going to miss when I change my lifestyle to eating clean and staying fit?"

Then I thought......."What am I not going to miss?"

So here it is!!

What I will miss:
*Amalfitano Bakery-Choc Eclairs, Tomato Pie,
*Chick Fil A
*Ice Cream
*Candy
*Sugar
*Laziness of what's for dinner tonight??  Eat out!!

What I won't miss:
*Crying every time I get dressed because nothing fits
*Hating the way I look in everything I put on.
*Breathing heavy just from walking
*Being tired all the time
*The self doubt
*Being embarrassed when naked in front of my husband
*My stress level shooting through the roof every time I run into an old friend
*Hiding food from my husband that I don't want him to know I am eating
*Telling my kids they can't eat what I am eating
*My husband rolling his eyes because I tell him I am starting another program or diet!!  (Can't blame him)

What am I looking forward to??
*Being naked in front of my husband (and everything that comes with that) hehehe
*Finally going shopping for clothes under size 18
*Not breathing heavy or feeling out of breath so easy!!
*NOT BEING A HYPOCRITE TO MY CLIENTS!!  (it will now be do as I say and do)
*Walking around in my bathing suit and not feel self conscious
*Being naked in front of my husband....oh yeah, I already said that.  lol

So I you can see that the "what I will miss" list is shorter then the "what I won't miss" and the "What I am looking forward to" list.

Guess I just needed to write it out!!

Sabotage!!

Yes Sabotage,  it is what I do to my self every time I decide I am done being unhealthy and ready to start a new healthy life.  I don't think it is right to be reading the amazing magazine "Clean Eating" while eating chips and cheese??  Kind of like when I used to watch "The Biggest Loser" while eating a bowl of ice cream. 

I still don't understand why I do this to myself.  It is like I am afraid that I am going to miss the crap that I am no longer going to poison my body with.  I know how bad it is and I still think I am going to miss it.  I just wish there was a reset button on my head that reset my likes and dislikes.

Fish, I want soo badly to like fish.  But even the smell makes me gag.  Yet, I know the amazing benefits of fish and yet, can't manage to get it down.  Any suggestions on how to reprogram my brain to fish??

What I am not going to miss, is the discomfort I am feeling right now.  I am the heaviest I have ever been.  So scary that I have let myself get to this point.
I am tired, I am breathing heavier, I can't get comfortable when I lay down.  I feel like breathing gets even tougher when I lay down.  It sucks.  And I hate it.

I am looking forward to getting started on Aug 15, but I think I should start today !!!