Animalise, She-ra, Butch, Tex, Animal, a man!!
These are just a few of the names I have been called my entire life. The worst part, some came from the mouths of family, and teachers.
These are just a few of the names I have been called my entire life. The worst part, some came from the mouths of family, and teachers.
By the 6th grade, I was 5'10" tall and weighed almost 150lbs.
I have always played sports and been a big girl. And no one ever let me forget that I was big. They still don't.
I have always thought I was over weight, fat, out of shape and just unattractive. But I look back at pictures of myself, like when I was playing beach volleyball, and I wasn't as bad as I thought. In fact, I wish I looked like that again. But how I got there was unhealthy.
For 5 years of my life, I spent trying to silence the critics, and the weight demons in my own head. I turned to laxatives. Yes, laxatives. I would eat all I wanted, then pop about 25 laxatives in my system and......you got it......Shit it all out!! It was awful. The cramping hurt so bad, my ass was always sore and I was always running to the bathroom. It just sucked. (well it actually blew out, but you know what I mean)
I don't know what changed, but I stopped. Until I started to feel self conscious again, then I would go right back to them.
They are in the back of my mind everyday, at every meal and at every bite. But I know how damaging they are for my body. And I am certainly not 21 anymore.
Here I am, 39 years old, in the worst shape of my life, and the heaviest I have ever been.
I am so ashamed and embarrassed of myself.
I can't stand looking at myself in the mirror. I don't want to go out in public in a swim suit and I surely don't want my husband to have to see me naked. Yukkkk!!! Sometimes I wonder why such an amazing and good looking man is with me??
So I will be 40 years old on May 31, 2012!! And I want to be in the best shape of my life and the healthiest of my life. And that is how I want to LIVE the rest of my life.
So follow me in this Journey, help support me, and share with me your journey with life, health and fitness!!
Annalise Mattera Mulford
I think that your journey is going to be beautiful this time around :)
ReplyDeleteOh Annalise! I feel everything you just said. I have memories of being yelled at in junior high for daring to like a certain boy, I was made fun of in 9th grade for having a date to Homecoming (and they made fun of the guy for going with me). My dad tried to push me to running, my mom would sigh with resignation when clothes didn't fit. I haven't used the laxatives, but I've used water pills, and I'm not proud of that, either. You and I are doing this together! You got me through that Body Back class at conference, and I'll get you through a round of ETB! Are you coming on the cruise? The next session ends right before we set sail!
ReplyDelete